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Poems of September

Hope

she breathes in
she breathes out
she wakes up
and lays down
she can hardly speak
and so she screams
i won't give again
because she takes
nothing i say will wash it away
i'm running in the pouring rain
she loves you
and hates you
you break down
she feels good
she will bleed from insecurity
when will she
heal from this?
nothing i say
will wash it away
i'm running in the pouring rain
she's got everything you want
she's every little thing you're not
nothing i say
will wash it away
i'm running in the pouring rain
she breathes in
she breathes out
and it's pouring
sunshine and rain


9-line Haiku

when you look at me
i start to blush
and all that i can say
is just hey
baby, i'm so afraid
to be in love
with you
i ain't got no more words for you
'cept that i love you


The Angel Experience

i know what it feels like
to be in the sight of an angel
i know what it looks like
when white petals dance with an angel
in the dewy-eyed spring
i know what it tastes like
when an angel leaves you with a kiss
i know what it sounds like
when an angel says i love you
i never want to know what it feels like
to make an angel cry
i never want to know what it looks like
when an angel leaves your side
i never want to know what it tastes like
to see and angel bleed from the inside


Apology, Little Sister

i've been going crazy
and it's pushing you away
so give me one good reason
why i should stay
i don't want to waste another moment
saying things i never meant to say
i'm waiting 'til i see it in your eyes
because i've been waiting
for a chance to let you in
so, i whisper in the dark
hoping that you hear me



Wrestling: A Man's Soap Oprea

good vs. evil
father acknowledges son
sweat drops from dyed hair
tights stretch and boots thump
blood decorates teeth
as the fans scream encore
muscles ripple with damaged ego
opponent struggles with flopping legs
as the last vendor packs for the night
the pair of rivals
joke about the triteness of it all
and in a few nights
it will be on again


Flowers

3s, 4s, and 5s
belong in the little girls' game
of what ifs and if nots
left in the vase
a splash of color in the lonely room
brought in by
the pudgy hands of a toddler
tucked away yellow
in the hair of her lover
a boquet built by wire
giving a bride something
to do with her unsure hands
left by someone's door
as a valentine apology
layed down upon the slate
as a memorial to
a soul God took away


His Anger

she's learned what
bred her fear
and when she saw
it in his eyes
she wondered if
she should give back
his necklace


Starbuck Philosophy

so read to me
every line
of the book you hit me with again
and i'll ponder it
over coffee
What was the first band you became a fan of?
 I think it was either Godsmack or Shinedown. I'm leaning towards Godsmack.
Hey guys, yeah, I know it's been awhile. Just remember that I don't have a lot of free time to myself. Okay, well, we just got back from the hospital and my mom does not have cancer. Have you ever been underwater for a really long time, and you know how when you resurface, there's a weight lifted from your lungs? Yeah, I feel like that.

I'm failing Spanish and Geometry. Joy. At least it's midterm, huh? I'll have to work my ass off to bring those grades up and keep them there.

I'll post some more later. I'm just too damn tired.
Miniola, everything's going to be okay, okay?
Saber, yeah, I hope everything's okay.
Molgar, at least somebody's in your boat.

TTYL and LYLAS,
~Meg

and, no, in case you're wondering, nothing's happened with Stephen. Not a damn thing.
I hopped on over to my lj and there's a post there that I didn't post. The song? Where the hell did that come from? I couldn't tell you. . . ah, wait. One of my brothers is taking the credit. . .Cody. Yeah, why am I not surprised? Speaking of Cody, did anybody know that he once used my homework for toliet paper? Yessir, we were camping and he grabbed in the middle of the night and used my math homework that I had brought as toliet paper. God, I have a damn weird family.

My mom's in a weird mood. Testy like. I was joking about having leftovers again, trying to make her feel better and she blew up in my face. We're not speaking right now and I have no idea what I did wrong. She's got a test the 6th to test for the cancer, so it may just be stress. **sighs** Somebody take me away from here. I'm so tired of being yelled at. . . Can I get a hug?

My birthday is this weekend and I'm actually not all that excited for it. I don't want anything but to get away from here, and I have a date w/ Stephen. I mean, getting presents have always made me feel ackward because I can never afford to buy anything for those people. I've given away beanie babies to the girls and I give money to the boys. Just, if you must, get me something that means something like. Like. . . **thinks hard** Demi gave me an old hoodie instead of giving it to the boys and Sean gave me a Livestrong bracelet that says "Faith" because that's what I struggle with the most. Micheal/Sean got me a cd of Skillet's that I'll never admit aloud that I wanted. (comatose was the name of the cd)

Okay, here a huge-mongus hug for everybody. **HHHHHUUUUGGGGG*** I'm so sorry about what's going on in everybody's life. You all know I'm here if you need to talk. Tell you what, I'm gonna write a chapter of Libyan Bones dedicated to everybody. Hows that? I know it probably means nothing. . .but, still. You'll have something in your inbox, yeah?

TTYL and LYLAS,
~Meg

Sick & Tired of Being Sick & Tired

WHY?! WHY?!?! WHY?!?!?!? Of course I get sick on a three-day weekend. Of course, god, karma you must hate me.

So, Thomas Wood made me cry Friday. I worried myself sick and then Stephen hasn't called me about EITHER note I gave him. Shit, double shit, triple shit. You know what? I don't care. Let him lose me; I'm sick of fighting for him to even see me. If he's not going to take up an active part of this relationship; than fuck it. Like everybody's been telling me. I FUCKING DESERVE BETTER.

I am sick of letting myself believe that because I haven't been really loved by an adult, that I don't deserve love. No more.

I love you, Stephen. You're my joy and my peace. My escape that which without, I would be lost again in the dark. But, I need more than what you're giving me. I can't live on just a look. . . I can you've been trying. . . but there's no emotion backing up your words. You really don't love me, do you? If you don't, then why do you say you do? I'm not asking for sex, that's a stupid way to prove to someone you love them. I'm asking for you to tell me your favorite color. . . you're opinion on things. I'm asking you for you. Undeluted. Fear is okay, this is new for both of us. But, I'm asking for trust.

SABER!! THANK YOU FOR THE BIRTHDAY PRESENT!!! I LOVE IT!!!

Love You Girls and Koi,
~Meg
Huh, did today feel like monday to anybody else? Perhaps it's because i got my pictures. Or perhaps that i might have to flip around my lunch/chemistry so i don't "miss any learning time".

I really don't have much to say, since it is only tuesday. (that rhymed) There was a couple f random jokes today and i started on a poem called, "Running Fast, Going Slow". I dunno where that title came from, but it's stuck and I honestly cannot come up with anything else.

Thomas Wood, you might remember him as the dude who might have started the whole cheating rumor, is being dealt with. I asked Tommy for a favor and he said that he'll talk to Wood, since he's obviously not gotten it through his thick skull that I'M NOT AVAILABLE!! I HAVEN"T BEEN FOR MORE THAN NINE MONTHS.

Anywho, I know what I'm getting Molly for her birthday, and I'm still thinking about what to get Kara. . . Guys, I honestly have no idea what I want for mine. Like Kara said on the bus today, after 10 or 11 you stop picking out a new thing that you want everday. I'm grateful for all the immaterial things I have. My Guardian Angels, Stephen, and my family. Honestly, unless you can think of a way to completely erradicate school, there's not a thing I want.

Speaking of Family and Stephen. . . this is my dad's apology for what he said. He knows I loathe the fact that I have to have a chaperone everytime I go out somewhere, Stephen's mom is exactly the same way, so I think that's one of the reasons this whole ordeal has worked out. I've mentioned a couple of times that I would like to invite Stephen over for dinner (if he wants) and maybe we could go to the movies. (with a chaperone) Dad suggested to mom that maybe, if Mrs. Blank felt comfortable, mom could drop us off at the movies and pick us back up. . . without one of the parents being there. WHICH IS TOTALLY FRICKIN' AWESOME!!!

TTYL and LYLAS,
~Meg

"Wait, You Guys Don't Have A Song?"

(qoute was from my sister, she, for some reason, can't believe that with all the music Stephen and I listen to between us that we don't have a "song" which she thinks is weird. I've never given it much thought.)

Hendrix/Santana CD

1. Manic Depression by Jimi Hendrix
2. Freedom
3. Purple Haze
4. If Six Was Nine
5. All Along The Watchtower
6. Power of Soul
7. Gypsy Eyes
8. Angel
9. Maria Maria by Santana
10. Love of My Life feat. Dave Mathews
11. Why Don't You & I feat. Chad Kroeger of Nickelback
Yeah, it's Friday again and this is my first post of the week. **yawns hugely** Well, I got off the bus not even twenty minutes ago and I'm already listening to my Hendrix cd. I'm sorry Saber that I haven't been at all this week; it's the gosh darn homework that's keeping me busy from the moment I get home to around 9:30 (which, as eveybody knows, is my bedtime.) Hey, everybody who took the gateway (big-mama test at the end of the year) for biology should have gotten their's by today, but I got mine yesterday. I placed advanced in everything and scored a hundred in every category. I was so proud of myself that when I got off the bus Thursday that I couldn't wait to show my parents. Mom was laying down in the back bedroom so I showed it to her and she felt better. Then, I showed it to my dad; he got very quiet. This is what he said to me.

"Megan?"
"Uh, yeah Dad?"
"This is even more reason for me to believe that you should break up with that Stephen boy and focus completely on your studies."
"What do you mean?"
"If this is how you do while fooling around with a boy, then imagine what you could be without him around."
*long pause and then into his eyes* "I'd be completely miserable and, you know, you'd still be jealous of the fact that that "Stephen-boy" knows me better than you ever will."
*mumbles* "And you wonder why I think you're not going to be worth anything as an adult."
*shouts* "SHUT UP! You don't know me so don't fucking judge me. You're no more of a father than your's was to you. You're so judgemental. What part of I love him and that he makes me happy don't you get, Dad? You say you love me and want me to be happy, so what's wrong with Stephen?"

I hate fighting with my dad when my mom's sick. I really do, but our relationship is like a roller coaster. We're going to always has these downs and just when it seems to be going good again, I'm going to get hurt again. And, yeah, Dad called me worthless. I guess it was "Let's-Make-Megan-Feel-Unwanted-and-Like-Shit" night. I mentioned this to Stephen and, god I don't deserve how much he cares for me, he kept making me laugh throughout class. Sweet and gentle boy, that he is. And people wonder why I love him?

Molgar, when is your birthday? I need to know so I can go shopping for you. I know you said it was near the end of the month, but I never got the exact date. Kara, I know what I'm getting you. And, I know what I'm doing for my birthday.I hope if I can get mom and dad to okay it. Stupid chaperones.

Anyway,
I Love You Gypsy Eyes,
And My Guardian Angels,
~Meg
I can't believe it's been almost two weeks since I've been able to post on my lj, I missed you guys! Man, I was swamped with friends' posts, so I'll go ahead and comment. I'm glad, sickly, that everybody else feels the same way I do about school, it offically sucks some bigs ones this year. Kiwi, it's your hair, you do what you want with it, okay?

Let's see, besides dealing with rumors that Stephen's cheating (which is nothing new and i know he's not) on me with a girl named Lindsey Shope. Um, I've spent the last couple of nights asleep in a hospital chair since Mom's been sick (that's why I've been looking like I've been in a fight these last couple of mornings) and all my plans for this weekend have been cancled. Joy.

I haven't all that much to say, it's nothing new.

TTYL and LYLAS,
~Meg
I took you for granted
I became so used to you being near
Laughing, smiling.
I'm praying to anybody who'll listen, now.
That those forty five minutes will be enough.
A year. An eternity.
Tears fuel my anger and despairing sorrow.
I'll be surviving for that slot of time.
My oasis. In hell.
All that I know, is that when I'm with you,
It's a sin because I've taken you from heaven.
Waiting, regretting.
A missed kiss, unsure of what to say.
Ackwardness is our movements, afraid.
No breathing. No pulse.
Home is a feeling I placed in you.
Not leaving.
Promise.